we're chasing vodka with high fives
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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