Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize