i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
