she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
of course. lets lasso hookers.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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