My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
