My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
