Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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