; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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