i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
