You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
