my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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