Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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