even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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