I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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