She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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