I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
