If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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