Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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