Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
that is very illegal...i love you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
