I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
