I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
