Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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