I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
should my penis look like a turkey
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
