We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
