I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
