you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
