I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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