I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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