pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
