im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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