i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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