I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
