i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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