u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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