Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
