I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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