Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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