and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
