Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Pants are for mortals
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
