just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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