You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
