You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
