Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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