I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
