So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
