when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
