I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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