Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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