Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
