3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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