My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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