I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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