I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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