I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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