I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
