I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They took my balls.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
